Divorce is one of life’s most challenging chapters, filled with a whirlwind of emotions, legalities, and unpredictable feelings. As the ground beneath your feet feels shaky, it’s completely natural to grasp for control in other aspects of your life. As humans, we search for solidity in the midst of chaos–something, anything that feels concrete and certain. However, there are healthier ways to practice this coping mechanism.
Understanding the Urge to Control During Divorce
During divorce, feeling that you’ve lost control of your life narrative can be overwhelming. As a subconscious way of balancing, you might become hyper-focused on things you believe you can control. Some ways this might manifest include:
- Obsession Over Your Diet: When your personal life feels chaotic, controlling your food intake can give an illusion of order. You might think, “If I can’t control my marriage’s outcome, at least I can control what I eat.” Food can become less about nourishment and more about regimen and routine.
- Exercise Overdrive: Physical activity can be therapeutic. It might even temporarily numb emotional pain. But in excess, it can turn into a way to distract or even punish yourself.
- Overparenting: By being the ‘perfect’ parent, you might hope to shield your kids from the divorce’s impact. But remember, kids need love more than perfection.
- Keeping Tabs on Your Ex: Tracking your ex’s life can become a comparison game, as you use their post-divorce life as a yardstick for how you’re managing. It can also have a lot to do with the struggle to let go, as you fight to hold onto whatever pieces of the past you can.
The Hidden Challenges You Might Be Facing
- The Sting of Solitude: Even if the divorce was your decision, moments of loneliness can creep in. The silence post-separation can be both liberating and haunting.
- The Weight of Guilt: You might feel guilty for changing the family structure, especially if kids are involved. The desire to protect them can be overwhelming.
- The Imaginary Spotlight: There’s a sensation that all eyes are on you, from your family and friends to even strangers. You might feel like everyone is judging you and critically observing your journey, which can add unnecessary pressure.
- Fear of the Unknown: The post-divorce world is uncharted territory, bringing both promise and fear. At times, not knowing what’s next can be paralyzing.
Healthy Ways to Cope and Find Balance
As you navigate the uncertainty of the next chapter, there are healthy ways you can find equilibrium and serenity when you’re feeling that loss of control during divorce.
- Embrace Professional Guidance: Talk it out. Professionals like a therapist, counselor, or divorce coach can provide tools and coping strategies tailor-made for you.
- Accept Imperfection: It’s okay not to be okay. Allow yourself to feel and process your emotions. Some days will be about conquering, while other days will be just about coping.
- Engage in Mindfulness Practices: Activities like meditation, journaling, and deep-breathing exercises can act as a grounding force and help center your thoughts.
- Set Digital Boundaries: If you’re obsessively checking up on your ex, it might be time for a social media cleanse. Focus on your journey ahead, not what’s left behind.
- Engage in Genuine Self-Care: It’s not just about spa days. It’s about acknowledging your needs, physically and emotionally. Maybe it’s reading a book, taking a walk, or having a heart-to-heart with a friend.
- Stay Active, but Don’t Overdo it: Exercise is wonderful for endorphins but remember balance. Your body needs care and recovery, especially during stressful times.
- Find Your Tribe: Join a support group, attend workshops, or merely connect with others who’ve walked this path. Shared experiences can be healing. Our divorce support group, Coffee Talk, can be that safe space you’re looking for. Here, you can connect, share, and heal with those who truly understand. Sometimes, just knowing you’re not alone can make all the difference.
Remember, while it’s natural to seek control, knowing when to let go and trust the process is true strength. Your journey might be filled with ups and downs, but with the right tools and support, you’ll find your way to the other side: wiser, stronger, and with a renewed sense of purpose.
