Learn how to be a great stepparent with these three tips from one of our community members, Nathalie R. From staying in your lane to showering your stepchild with unconditional love, these strategies can help you create a positive family dynamic and overcome stepparenting challenges.
Stepparenting Challenges: A Whole New Ball Game
When you start dating someone who has children from a previous relationship, it’s a whole new ball game. You’re not just getting to know your new partner; you’re also getting to know their child or children. This was my situation twenty years ago when I started dating my now-husband, who came with a three-year-old daughter named Amy.
When my husband introduced me to Amy, we hit it off right away. We formed a fast friendship, but things got a bit complicated when Amy realized that I wasn’t just her friend but that I was also dating her dad. Sometimes people confused me for her mother – which she would remind them I was most certainly not! As a young child, this was a lot for her to process, and it was a challenging and confusing time for her. Amy’s negative reactions towards me were completely ordinary, but being on the receiving end of them felt dreadful.
Common Behaviors a Child May Exhibit Towards a Stepparent
Here are some ways a young child like Amy might react to their parent’s new partner, which are totally normal, but still hurtful:
- Acting out: The child may exhibit negative behaviors such as throwing tantrums, being disobedient, or refusing to follow instructions.
- Withdrawal: The child might withdraw from social interactions with the stepparent and become more isolated.
- Loyalty conflicts: The child could feel torn between their biological parent and stepparent and struggle to reconcile their feelings.
- Resentment: The child might feel like their biological parent has been replaced or that the stepparent is trying to take their place.
- Jealousy: The child may struggle with jealousy over the attention the stepparent is giving to their biological parent or siblings. They may even be jealous of their biological parent’s attention to the stepparent and feel a sense of competition.
- Rejection: The child might reject the stepparent outright and refuse to have anything to do with them.
Amy exhibited many of these behaviors, putting me through the wringer for about a year. There were times I despaired that she and I would never have a good relationship, and the stepparenting challenges would never diminish. Fortunately, with a bit of effort, patience, and understanding, we were able to push past this terrible phase and forge an amazing relationship. Of course, our relationship has continued to evolve over the years as Amy grew up and matured in teenagerhood and now adulthood. Yet, the strategies I employed during that first terrible year are the same ones that have helped me throughout our relationship and even to this day.
Top Three Ways to Rock at Stepparenting
1. Remember that you are the adult.
No matter how badly Amy acted out, it was important to remember that she was a child. It was my job to maintain my composure and act like a grown-up. Part of being a grown-up is not letting a kid’s behavior get to you or reacting to them in anger.
Instead, try to understand where they’re coming from and be patient with them. In my case, without ever vocalizing it, Amy was very concerned about me taking her mother’s place. Due to this fear, she would reject any attempt to bond with her that seemed too maternal, like every time I offered to do her hair or help her get dressed. She would also remind me repeatedly that I wasn’t her mother or tell me how much she preferred her mother’s cooking, her mother’s taste in clothes, etc. I won’t lie; being repeatedly rejected didn’t feel good, and I often suffered hurt feelings.
However, instead of trying to force Amy to like me or dramatically responding to her rejections by crying or making a big fuss, I learned a different approach. I’d say things like, “I know I’m not your mom, but I care about you, and I want to make sure you’re safe and happy.” Or “I know you don’t want me to do your hair right now, but can you tell me more about how your mom does your hair, so I can be ready whenever you’d like me to help you?” These simple reassurances were very effective in helping Amy develop trust that I wasn’t trying to replace her mother or take her father’s attention away from her. I was simply trying to be her friend.
If the child is misbehaving to the point where you feel the need to enact a time-out or some other consequence, now is the time to enlist the help of their biological parent – which leads me to my next best tip to overcome stepparenting challenges.
2. Stay in your lane.
One of the most important things you can do as a stepparent is to stay in your lane. By this, I mean leave the parenting to the biological parents unless they ask you to fill that role. Trying to step in and take over can be tempting, especially if you feel like the biological parent isn’t doing a good job. However, this is a mistake. You must respect the parent-child relationship and let the biological parents take the lead. Of course, you can offer support and guidance when asked, but it’s important to avoid overstepping your bounds.
In my case, staying in my lane not only benefited my relationship with Amy when she was in my husband’s custody but also aided my relationship with Amy’s mom. I wasn’t trying to usurp Amy’s mom. I was simply trying to be a positive, loving force in her daughter’s life – which leads me to my last, best stepparenting tip.
3. Shower your stepchild with unconditional love.
It’s important to shower your stepchild with unconditional love. Don’t differentiate between bio and step-kids, as this will only create divisions within the family. Instead, treat all of your children equally and show them that you care about them. Spend time with them, listen to them, and be there for them when they need you. Doing this will build strong bonds with your stepchildren and create a positive family dynamic.
Likewise, it’s important for bio-parents to recognize that it’s okay for their child to love multiple people in their life. The love in our hearts isn’t finite – it’s amazing how big our hearts can grow! Thankfully, Amy’s mom supported our relationship and even told Amy that she liked me, so it was natural for Amy to like me too. I am eternally grateful that Amy’s mom gave her permission to like me.
Once Amy realized she wasn’t betraying her mother in any way by befriending me, our relationship flourished. Amy and I have had a great relationship ever since. In fact, even now that she’s grown up and graduated from college, we’re still very close. We are each other’s confidantes, and I adore the adult relationship we continue to forge.
I’m grateful for my patience during those early years, even when things were tough. I knew that it was important for Amy to have a positive relationship with me, and I’m glad we could get there in the end. Looking back, I’m amazed at how young I was when this all started, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Being a stepmom has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life, and I’m grateful for the opportunity to be a part of Amy’s life.
In conclusion, being a great stepparent takes effort, patience, and understanding. By remembering that you are the adult, staying in your lane, and showering your stepchild with unconditional love, you can overcome stepparenting challenges and create a strong and positive family dynamic. Remember that it’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it. With time and patience, you can become integral to your blended family and create a happy and healthy home for everyone involved.
