Establishing your own budget and financial plan, which is often a recovery/adjustment plan after a divorce, is an important step to building confidence and a sustainable lifestyle. A guiding principle for any person is, “A (Wo)Man is not a plan” for your financial security. Many people discover a new power in owning their financial reality- boosting their confidence. This may come after some struggles and recovering from the toll that a divorce can take. Although, when you can take the reins, over a period, and see your successes by either paying off debt, building up savings, choosing to spend on things that matter to you, and living your new life- your self-love and self-respect are both positively impacted.
Self-love in the realm of personal finances is realized by setting boundaries, honoring your short and long-term goals, and protecting those boundaries. Setting the financial expectations early in the dating process will help sustain your ecosystem. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the overspending, overindulging as the hormones and endorphins of new interactions and attractions are happening, so it is important to be mindful.
Here are a few tips to help at some of the stages of dating:
Avoid the inevitable and sometimes uncomfortable “who is paying for the date dance.”
- As you are planning to meet up suggest that whoever plans the date pays for the date.
- Set an agreed-upon budget and have a friendly competition about who can plan the best date within that budget. You could each pay for half the winning date or put a point system for creativity, the best bang for the buck, fun factor, or another ranking that makes sense for you, and the “loser” pays for the winning date and the “winner” makes the date happen.
- In the early stages, if setting boundaries around spending money for shared experiences is uncomfortable or you are getting pressure this should be taken as a potential warning sign. Money can be a tough conversation, but it only gets harder as patterns and expectations can be set in the early stages of a relationship. It is much more stressful and harder to explain after a couple of months that the spending patterns of your dates are dragging you down financially than to set the reality upfront.
Planning a first vacation or getaway.
- Traveling together is a great way to get to know a person at a deeper level. There are a lot fewer elements in one’s control and unknowns when you are away from your home space and you get to spend a longer time together experiencing different moods, eating patterns, hiccups that are just the nature of the beast when you go away, conversation rhythms, and more. However, navigating the discussion around budgeting for something bigger than an afternoon or evening can be daunting, particularly when there are different discretionary budgets involved.
- If you are at the stage that you want to get away with someone you are dating start by talking about where you would both be interested in going. You can start the list by talking about locations within driving distance, then once you get too far to drive for the time and gas money look at short flights that make up for the gas and time you would save. Then look at larger distances but you want more time to justify the flight hours, and so on. Build up a budget together around how much time and money you can spend and then look at what that means for lodging, meals, transportation, entertainment, and incidentals.
If you are the person that is financially more advantaged.
- If you are willing to put in more to upgrade the shared experience, be overt about that so the other person understands that is okay with you. If you are in this position, you would not want the other party to feel pressured to come up with more money or wonder how this vision you both are putting together is going to be funded. If you thought the first date who is paying is awkward wait until you check into a hotel and wonder whose credit card is going to be put down to pay for those charges.
- In a caring and respectful way ask the other person what disposable income they can contribute that will not cause stress. Being attentive to the differences in resources is very caring and talking about this in the open will bring you closer not farther apart.
- If your date wants to share the expenses honor that and meet them at an experience level that works for both of you.
If you are the person that has more limited resources.
- Practice self-love and honor your boundaries around your financial goals. It is okay to say you simply cannot afford XYZ right now, here is what you can contribute.
If you both agree on something that is not collectively in both of your budgets right now create a fun savings plan to make it happen.
- Put your change in a jar.
- Put $X per week/month into an envelope or X% of each of your wages per week/month aside.
- Go out one less day per week and put the difference spent staying at home into a jar.
- Setting savings goals together for special events will set a solid foundation for future savings goals together.
Removing the stigma and taboo around talking about money early on in relationships mitigates many wrong assumptions, stresses and anxiety that can build up over time. You do not have to reveal account numbers and balances, but boundaries and goals are important to share to protect yourself and your future either single or within a developing relationship. Finding someone with a similar money mindset who respects your boundaries will pay off in spades…or at least positive emotional wealth.
